Perfectionism begins at home.

I don't know about any of you, but I suffer from perfectionistic tendencies that make my life difficult.

I'm afraid to fail. Pure and simple.

1. The fear of failure makes me afraid to try new things.

2. The fear of failure makes me think I'm just stupid and I shouldn't bother, anyway.

3. If I can't do something perfectly, I think I shouldn't bother at all.

4. I'm so afraid to fail that I'm afraid to succeed, and maybe that's the worst of it.

There are many reasons for feeling this way, mostly rooted in a childhood in which my dad didn't give creedence to our opinions and no one said anything about it.

It amazes me sometimes that it takes until halfway into your life to start getting a handle on how to remedy these issues, and how hard it can be to turn yourself around.

I have made incredible strides just over the last two years, but so far to go. So, the stuff with the diet? I may mess up at some point, but I can start over and be fine. Work? I may say something dumb in front of someone. I'll have to live with that. But I think I'll crank out some really great work products that I'll be proud of, too. And I may not make it the whole 2-day marathon in October, but I'll show up and give it my best. And, as Lou Reed would say, it will be "all right."

Totally unrelated, I've been digging "Get the Message" by Electronic again recently--hey I can get all my Bernard Sumner, Johnny Marr, and Neil Tennant in one place. Wow. I'd be dancing around my office right now, but my neighbors could all see me shakin' it like a fool. But it's hard to resist. Must resist. Oh, that drum riff...

Hell. Yeah.

Oh my lord. I sang along with Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love" in the car on the way home last night. Very loudly. And you know what? It felt so good. May Diamond Dave strike me down...

Note my favorite line: "only time will tell if we stand the test of time" (duh). I'm sure there's some other wisdom to be derived from Messrs. Hagar, et al.

Here's to exploring my inner cheese rock goddess. May you also find the cheese rock god or goddess within:



Seeing Michael Anthony reminds me that he quite unsolicitedly french kissed my sister-in-law back stage at a Van Halen show many years back. Serious tongue in throat. UGH. I so wish I didn't know that. So I need to share it with you.

P.S. I'm on Day 3 of Phase 1. So far, so good.

That precarious balance of crazy and fat.

Today I made it through Day 1, Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. Only 13 more days of this phase, but who's counting?

OK, honestly. This diet is a carbohydrate lover's worst nightmare. But I need serious intervention. The current mood-regulating medication I'm on is a double whammy of fat-causing foolishness: a)increased food cravings and b)resistance to weight loss. Like having a fat ass won't make you totally crazy. Do pharmaceutical companies not get that? Still, this year I've opted for fat over crazy, and that's probably been a wise choise. Life is much better without the black hole of depression. So now that things have evened out somewhat I can look at myself and go, "Oh, hell NO."

So here is my hell for the next two weeks: no bready, starchy, sugary things allowed. None. That means no waffles, pancakes, donuts, baguettes, spaghetti, ravioli, pizza, grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese, potatoes, pancakes...(Oh, I already mentioned pancakes?)

After completing this first phase, I'm supposed to be rid of all my bad carbohydrate cravings, much like a junkie quits craving smack. But junkies get methadone and I get celery sticks and hummus. This isn't quite right.

Pray for me.

Song of the Day 8.22.08

When Annika was born, her "aunt" Marlee got her a CD of instrumental Beatles songs done by Jason Falkner. Annika has recently rediscovered the CD, and I along with her. Annika asks to hear the soothing Lennon/McCartney melodies in the car, which is fine, but we'll have to outlaw it for long car trips unless we want to wind up passed out in a ditch. That's just how intense its soporific properties are. I put her to bed one night with it and wound up falling asleep in her bed...somewhere between "And I Love Her" and "The Fool on the Hill"...zzzzzz.

R. being the cynic likes to ask questions like, "So is 'Helter Skelter' on that thing? What about 'Happiness is a Warm Gun'"?

All cynicism aside, my favorite, and one of Annika's, is "Across the Universe." Annika was listening to it the other day in the car, and as I happened to look at her in the rear view mirror, she was smiling contentedly and gazing out of the window in one of those moments you never want to end because it's so unbelievably perfect.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

My bag.

Oh, hooray. A better laptop case for frequent travelers (and travelers with small children, I might add) is so overdue. My biggest pet peeve is going through the airport security line and being REMINDED by the overzealous TSA Agent to take the laptop out of the bag, like I don't know. Geez people, I'm already putting the backpack down and unzipping. Can you bug grandma and grandpa who are trying to bring in 16-ounce bottles of shampoo and leave me the f**k alone?

Bag Helps Laptop Pass Air Security

For years at airport security checkpoints, passengers have heard the refrain, almost a dirge: “Laptops must be removed from their cases and placed on the belt.”

Get ready for a change. The Transportation Security Administration has given the go-ahead for passengers to use newly designed carry-on bags that will let them pass through security without having to take their laptops out for the X-ray inspection.

Kip Hawley, the agency’s director, told me Monday that the T.S.A. would accept the new laptop cases as soon as they come on the market.

Two of the biggest luggage manufacturers — Pathfinder Luggage and Targus — say they are rushing to produce the new “checkpoint friendly” laptop cases and expect them to be available by late September or early October.

Two problems with the existing laptop cases are that security officers have difficulty seeing inside them with X-ray equipment, and many of the cases are so crammed with extra gear — power cords, a mouse and the like — that the computer is obscured.

The new cases include either a fold-down section in a bigger briefcase or a stand-alone protective sleeve that contains no extra clutter and can be readily viewed through the scanner.

More than a half-dozen luggage manufacturers, among about 60 that initially responded to a T.S.A. request for proposals about three months ago, have submitted prototypes for testing at checkpoints at three airports: Dulles, outside Washington; Austin-Bergstrom in Texas; and Ontario, near Los Angeles.

The agency says that more than a quarter of all air travelers carry laptops through security.

Along with having to remove shoes, the requirement to take a laptop out of its protective case has long rankled business travelers, who worry about damage to exposed computers as well as potential loss in the pileup of various travelers’ possessions on the other side of the X-ray station.

Mr. Hawley, meanwhile, has often said that confusion at checkpoints is itself a security problem. Designing laptop cases that can improve customer service while keeping security at a high level is a way to better ensure a “calm and predictable” checkpoint environment, he said.

“Threats have a hard time hiding in a calm environment,” he said. “Chaos is great camouflage.”

Mr. Hawley said the agency had been working with various manufacturers to develop the new luggage designs. He predicted that various new laptop cases that conform to government requirements would be in wide use by the holidays in December.

“On a conference call with industry representatives, I said that the T.S.A. will not be your gatekeeper on this,” Mr. Hawley said. “It all depends on how fast you can get to market. We won’t slow you down.”

Ron Davis, the executive vice president of Pathfinder Luggage, said that his company had just started producing its two new cases at a plant in the Philippines. He said both had been tested at checkpoints to ensure that they met government specifications.

“They don’t want anything obscuring the view of the laptop,” he said. “In our case, the material is nylon and foam, and the X-ray machine will see right through that.”

Pathfinder is making two models but plans others. One is a briefcase in which the attached laptop holder is exposed when the case is unzipped. The other is a wheeled carry-on with a removable laptop case.

Mr. Davis estimated that the briefcase version would sell for $100 to $150 and the wheeled version for $150 to $200.

Targus, the largest maker of cases for laptops and notebook computers, is about to begin production at factories in China of four new models of checkpoint-compatible bags, said Al Giazzon, the vice president for marketing.

“We’ve got to produce a lot of them,” he said. “We’re currently scheduled for a late September or early October delivery of our first bags.”

Among the bags Targus is producing is a backpack design. Mr. Giazzon said. He said that retailers were already clamoring for the bags, which will cost from $39 for a basic model to about $100 “for our corporate series, for heavy-duty travelers.”

Mr. Hawley said that the T.S.A. has deliberately avoided formally certifying various manufacturers’ bag designs.

“Everybody is aware that the process of the government certifying a piece of security equipment involves a lot of time and red tape,” he said.

Instead, manufacturers were encouraged to come up with designs that would pass muster, and perhaps adopt a universal slogan or logo that says, “This bag is checkpoint-friendly,” he said.

Mr. Hawley said he did not expect that the new laptops would create undue confusion after their introduction, since security officers would be well informed about them.

To make sure the cases are easily identifiable, the T.S.A. said in its request for proposals sent to manufacturers in March that bags should be designed with “self-evident features,” including an absence of buckles, pockets or zippers.

Manufacturers were also told that they could label the bags as “checkpoint friendly,” or use similar terms, but that they could not state nor imply that the bags were certified or approved by the T.S.A. or use a T.S.A. logo on them.

It will be immediately apparent if a laptop case is not properly designed for unobscured visual inspection because it will not give security officers a clear X-ray image, Mr. Hawley said. The case and laptop will be removed from the belt for a close look by security officers, he said.

Mr. Davis said that passengers who are forced to take a laptop out of its case and rerun it through the X-ray equipment will, in itself, encourage manufacturers to ensure that “checkpoint friendly” cases really are.

“If a customer buys the new case and sends it through security and the security officer said, ‘Sorry, this doesn’t work,’ then you’ve got a very upset customer,” he said.

Here's a related piece about the new model by Targus, scheduled for availability in October...just in time for my birthday.

Between me and the coffee.

Today I stopped by the Starbucks on the way home from dropping Annika off, thinking boy how nice it would be to have that yummy latte because I haven't had one in a while.

I made my order, pulled up to the window, and lo and behold...no wallet. I suddenly had a startlingly crisp visual of my wallet sitting on the kitchen counter. Five miles away. Where it does me no good. Where it is triangularly situated between me and coffee goodness. I must have looked really dejected, because the barista said, "Oh no, you have sad face!" When I explained my desperate situation and prepared to drive away, she smiled and handed me my coffee and said, "Oh, here you go!"

If I wouldn't have held up the drive-through line, I would have gotten out of my car, gone into the Starbucks, and hugged that dear woman, who is clearly an agent of God.

It's Britney, bitch.

I just caught this promo for the upcoming MTV awards. To my relief, Britney looks good! Go Britney! Go Russell Brand!

Dig the elephant in the room.

Suburban angst.

Things with the new house are finally starting to settle into something that resembles a routine. We're no longer located between a fire station and hospital at the intersection of two main streets, so the lack of sirens (as well as periodic booming, window-rattling bass) is a relief, but the quiet can be somewhat overwhelming. It feels somewhat more, dare I say...suburban? Egads. Me. Suburban mom. On the upside, we spontaneously had friends over the other night and grilled out, which we never would have been able to do in the small house, where having anyone over required a top to bottom house clean to get rid of the toys and Annika gear that were spilled over into every corner of the place.

Regardless, the house feels terribly quiet on the weekdays while I'm working, so I know that NPR will need to be my daily companion when I'm not on conference calls.

Rooms are starting to shape up and become our own--Annika's is especially sweet--but we've got a way to go with paint and some new furniture. Regarding paint, all I have to say is, don't go paint shopping with an artist. You'll have exchanges like this one:

R: "Which one do you like?"

K: "This one looks good."

R: "Ok, but we should go with that one. The one you picked out will look too blue."

K: "Ok. We'll go with the one you think is best."

Or this exchange:

R: "What do you think of the sample I painted on the living room wall?"

K: "I think with another coat it'll look good. Let's go with it."

R: "REALLY? You like it? I can't tell the difference between the new one and the old one."

K. "Ok. We can go with a different one if you want."

As I type this, I've just concluded interviewing a student for a helper/nanny position. I am not sure why it's taken me so long to fully understand that it's all right to have someone help out, especially when our work schedules are so crazy and I sometimes travel. I mean, I could think of better ways to spend money than writing weekly checks to a care provider, but if it means everyone is healthier all the way around and less stressed, I think it makes sense. I immediately start anticipating the bad parent judgment, and I know I'll have to get over it.

So, within the span of two months, everything is different. And I feel positively ancient. From buying a house, to interviewing a nanny (who called me ma'am...aagh), to conversing with the teenagers who knocked on our door the other day to retrieve a lost frisbee and they looked at me like I may as well have been Boo Radley, to The War on Rodent Terror (Humans 2 / Mice ?--don't think we're totally rid of them) every day seems to bring a new reminder of this suburban-homeowner-working mom status.

The challenge will be to find a way to make it my own.

Denim Distressed.

I'm not ready for pegged jeans to come back. I'm not ready for pegged jeans to come back. I'm not ready for pegged jeans to come back. I'm not ready for pegged jeans to come back. I'm not...



...damn you, Katie.

Annual birthday shoutout.

Number 39! Happy birthday, Alex! We're hanging on to the thirties by a thread.

Getting to meet your little girl in November was one of the major highlights of '07 (right up there with seeing Wendy mash Mark P. into her cleavage at the reunion). You'll all be making that big family vacation to Wichita soon, right?

Anyone else out there feeling kind of old? I swear, I can't believe I'm hurtling towards 40.

Maybe you can crank this up between meetings.

Robert Hazard.

I posted about the Philadelphia singer Robert Hazard a while back and the sentimental place the song "Escalator of Life" holds in my heart. I was sorry to see his obituary on CNN.com this morning.

I had no idea he wrote "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."

Here's Robert Hazard last year with the Paul Green School of Rock, bringing the new wave to a whole new generation. Nice.